Category: z’Old Funny Crap

Billy Ray and chores


A little boy named Billy Ray comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

“Not yet,” said Billy Ray.

His mother tells him he can’t have any breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

Billy Ray asks: “How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?.”Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get anyeggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so, for a week you aren’t getting any milk.”

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he is walking to the kitchen.

Billy Ray looks up at his mother with a smile and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”

John Scott is having headaches


John Scott is having terrible headaches. He can’t sleep, eat, think, or do much of anything because of the pain. Several doctors examined him and couldn’t determine the cause of his problem. He finally went to one of the top neurological specialists in the country who examines him and says, “I’ve found the cause of the pain. Your testicles are pushing up into your spine. The constant pressureon the spine causes the headaches. The only thing I can do is perform surgery and remove your testicles.”

John Scott is shocked to hear this but the decision is not difficult as he know he cannot stand the pain of the headaches. He has the surgery and immediately fells like a new man. The pain is completely gone and he feels like he has a new life. He is so happy he decides to buy himself a new suit. He goes to a small men’s shop and tells the old tailor that he wants to buy a suit.

“Sure,” says the tailor. “You’re a 42 long, right?”

“Wow, how did you know?” says John .

“Hey, I’ve been in this business a long time. You learn a few things” said the tailor.”

The tailor brought John a suit that fit perfectly. It looked so good that John decided to buy a new shirt to go with it.

“16, 34, right?” said the tailor.

“Right again!” said John . “You’re amazing.”

“Hey, I’ve been in this business a long time. You learn a few things”.

The tailor brought a shirt and tie and they looked great. John said, “Hey, let’s go for broke. Give me a pair of the silk boxers too.”

The tailor said, “36 right?”

“I’m disappointed,” said John . “But 2 out of 3 is still good. I wear size 34 boxers.”

The tailor said, “Hey, I’ve been in this business for a long time and I think you need 36.”

John replied, “It’s obvious you know your business but I’ve worn size 34 for as long as I can remember. I’m going to have to disagree with you on this one”.

“Hey look,” said the tailor, “I’ll sell you whatever you want. But I’ve been in this business a long time. If you wear a size 34 it’s gonna push your nuts up into your spine and give you terrible headaches.”