Punk Zombie

Jeff works at a supermarket

There was a boy named Jeff Allen who worked in the produce section of a supermarket. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. Jeff told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only half.

Jeff explained that he would have to ask the manager and so he walked into the back room and said, “There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce.”

As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, “And this gentleman wants to buy the other half.”

The manager okayed the request and the man went on his way. Later on the manager said to Jeff, “You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?”

Jeff replied, “Minnesota, sir.”

“Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota?” inquired the manager.

Jeff replied, “They’re all just whores and hockey players up there.”

“My wife is from Minnesota”, exclaimed the manager.

Jeff instantly replied, “Really! What team did she play for?”

SNL: Roy Rules!

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Demotivational Poster: People

Billy Ray and chores

A little boy named Billy Ray comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

“Not yet,” said Billy Ray.

His mother tells him he can’t have any breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

Billy Ray asks: “How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?.”Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get anyeggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so, for a week you aren’t getting any milk.”

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he is walking to the kitchen.

Billy Ray looks up at his mother with a smile and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”