Hearing Loss
An elderly man named Clark Taylor feared his wife Betty was getting deaf, so he called her doctor. The doctor suggested a simple test Clark could do to give some idea of the scale of the problem: ‘Start out about 40ft away from her, then say something and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30ft, then 20ft and so on until you get a response.’
That evening Betty is cooking dinner and he’s in the living room. He thinks to himself: ‘I’m about 40ft away, lets see what happens.’ In a normal voice he asks: ‘Honey, what’s for supper?’ No response.
So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30ft away from Betty and repeats: ‘Honey, what’s for supper?’ Still no response.
Next he moves to within 20ft of her and repeats: ‘Honey what’s for supper?’ Again, no response.
So he walks to within 10ft. ‘Honey, what’s for supper?’ Still nothing.
So he walks right up behind her. ‘Honey, what’s for supper?’
‘Damn it, for the fifth time, CHICKEN!’
I Like Monkeys
The pet store was selling monkeys 5¢ a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. So, I bought 200. I like monkeys.
I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive of them. His name was Albert. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.
I herded them into my room. They didn’t adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta’ dropped dead. Kinda’ like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys.
I didn’t know what to do. There were two hundred dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.
I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn’t work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.
I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started smelling real bad.
I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn’t want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn’t all go bad.
I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to use a fire extinguisher.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn’t improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.
I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasn’t allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn’t take that one either. I didn’t bother asking about the frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn’t know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.
I like monkeys
A. Whitney Brown Quote
China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you. (A. Whitney Brown)